🎣 Top 10 Things Captain Brock Might Yell at You For (aka: How to Get Your Day Ruined by Florida’s Saltiest Charter Captain)
1. Owning a Boat That Costs Less Than His Sunglasses 🕶️
"What kind of skiff is that, a Happy Meal toy?! I wipe my reels with boats like that!"
2. Making Eye Contact for Longer Than 1.3 Seconds 👀
"You wanna fight or braid each other’s hair, son?! Pick one!"
3. Being Under 30 and Existing 👶
"You and your TikToks better get off my water before I throw your phone into the Gulf!"
4. Wearing Flip-Flops Instead of $500 Deck Boots 🩴
"You think this is Jimmy Buffett’s yacht club? This is war, boy!"
5. Casting Within a 3-Mile Radius of His Boat 🎣
"I swear if your lure even looks at my fish, I’m coming aboard with a vengeance!"
6. Touching the Water Without Written Permission and a Notary Present 📝
"That’s MY sea you just contaminated with your youth!"
7. Using the Phrase “It’s Just Fishing, Man” 🤙
"‘JUST fishing’? That’s like saying the moon landing was a field trip, you ignorant dockroach!"
8. Drinking a White Claw Instead of Something From a Gas Station Cooler in a Net 🍹
"This ain’t a brunch cruise, it’s the ocean, princess!"
9. Having a Boat Name That’s a Pun 🚤
"‘Sea Señor’? ‘Reelaxation’? Grow up and name it something terrifying like ‘Blooddeck Alpha’!"
10. Looking Too Peaceful 🌅
"You think this is a nature documentary?! FISH HARDER, BABY BOY!"
⚓ Bonus: Existing in His Line of Sight With Anything Resembling Joy 😄
"Smilin’? Not on my charter. Not while MY fish are crying!"