Things Brock Horner Would Say If He Had Another Job Instead
If Brock Worked at a Publix Deli
“Yeah, we’re outta Boar’s Head… but I got a gator I smoked in the back if you’re feelin’ wild.”
“Want it sliced thin or Brock-style — which is however the slicer feels today.”
“You want a sub with everything? Even regret? Done.”
There’s no “8 items or less” when Brock’s running the slicer. Just vibes, pickles, and danger ham.
If Brock Was Florida Highway Patrol
“You were doin’ 95 in a school zone — but honestly, I’ve seen worse.”
“License, registration, and a good reason you’re not towing a pontoon.”
“Technically that IS a blinker, but that’s a Zippo tied to your mirror.”
Brock wouldn't issue tickets so much as warnings—cryptic ones, involving swamp lore and where the gators get restless after dusk.
If Brock Ran a Key West Restaurant
“Our catch of the day is whatever fell off someone else’s boat.”
“Yeah we don’t do menus. You eat what I yell at you.”
“Happy Hour starts when I say so and ends when the rum’s gone.”
At Brock’s, the tables wobble, the specials are questionable, and somehow... it’s the best meal you’ve had all year.
If Brock Was a Florida Senator
“If elected, I’ll make gator hunting an Olympic sport.”
“My new bill mandates flip-flops year-round and bans iced coffee north of I-4.”
“The people want freedom — and by freedom, I mean open container laws at the DMV.”
He doesn’t need campaign donations. Just a boat, a bullhorn, and a cooler full of Modelo. Democracy, Brock-style.
If Brock Was a Panhandle Firefighter
“Fire’s out. Also, I smoked a brisket on it first.”
“Sir, this ain’t technically a ‘fire’… it’s just Florida.”
“We save lives AND deep fry turkey legs — community first.”
Expect him to show up in flip-flops, hose down the flames, then host a BBQ while casually warning about fire ants.
If Brock Drove the Disney Monorail
“Monorail’s on autopilot today. I had a late night in Kissimmee.”
“Please remain seated… unless you're feelin’ lucky.”
“Next stop: Space Mountain. Unless we get rerouted by a Florida panther again.”
You’d either get to your destination—or go on the best unscheduled ride of your life. There is no in-between.
If Brock Was a Divorce Lawyer
“You get the house, he gets the jet ski. Justice.”
“She keyed your car? Classic Tuesday.”
“Trust me, I’ve seen worse. One guy tried to take the swamp boat in the settlement.”
His closing argument involves sunglasses, a fishing rod, and a very convincing story about emotional support iguanas.
If Brock Taught Middle School Science
“I replaced the lab rats with raccoons. Let’s see what happens.”
“Today’s experiment: Will this frog vape if we teach it?”
“Class, this is methane. Also known as what happens after Taco Tuesday.”
The school board would try to fire him. But he’d already been promoted to Principal of Chaos.
Final Thoughts
Brock Horner doesn’t need a boat to bring the storm. Put him in a suit, an apron, or a badge, and he’ll still find a way to bend Florida reality into his own strange shape. One thing’s certain: no matter the job, Brock’s gonna Brock.
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