How to Know You’re Officially a Florida Local – A Sarcastic Checklist
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☀️ You Use the Word "Cold" to Describe 68 Degrees
If you’ve ever said, “Brrr, it’s freezing out here!” while it’s still technically summer in other states—you’re one of us. Bonus points if you put on a hoodie in anything under 72.
🐊 You Can Casually Identify a Gator, a Croc, and a Geico Ad
You know how to tell the difference between a real alligator, a scarecrow gator decoy, and a tourist who thinks it's cute to feed one. And yes, you've uttered, “Don’t run in zigzags, just run,” at least once while giving someone questionable survival advice.
🧴 Your Car Smells Like Sunscreen and Regret
There’s a permanent bottle of SPF 50 in your glove compartment, and your seats are hot enough to sear a steak by June. But do you park under a palm tree for shade? Only if you like sap, bird poop, and iguanas using your car as a trampoline.
🐍 You’ve Used the Phrase “It’s Probably Not Venomous” More Than Once
Whether it’s a snake, a spider, or a 3-foot-long invasive lizard that looks like a Pokémon, you’ve shrugged and said, “Eh, it’s Florida.” If it slithers, crawls, or hisses, you probably just let it go about its day.
💥 You Don’t Even Flinch at the Daily 4 PM Sky Apocalypse
Thunder so loud it rattles your toilet? Lightning that hits the same palm tree twice? Just Florida being Florida. You schedule your errands around the Daily Afternoon Storm Ritual™ and keep an umbrella in your car for the inside of the car because that’s where the water ends up anyway.
🍗 You Will Fight for Your Favorite Publix Sub
You have a Publix order so specific it could double as a court testimony. Chicken tender sub, tossed in buffalo, with ranch, but only if Amber makes it. You’ve waited in line during hurricane season just to get one—and yes, you’d do it again.
🐜 You’ve Declared War on Fire Ants (and Lost)
Every time you step in your yard, it’s a game of chance. You’ve danced the fire ant two-step while holding a lawn chair and a beer, and you’ve got the bite scars to prove it. Also, your home is a fortress of DEET, citronella, and salty language.
🚗 You Know Exactly When to Avoid I-4, Which Is… Always
You don’t need Google Maps to tell you I-4 is the seventh circle of traffic hell. Bonus points if you know the other back way to get from Tampa to Orlando in under three hours.
🍊 You’ve Eaten an Orange Straight From a Tree (and Spat It Out)
Every new Florida transplant thinks plucking an orange off a backyard tree is going to be magical. Spoiler: it’s sour, filled with seeds, and tastes like disappointment. You learn quickly to leave citrus to the pros—or use it to repel squirrels.
👚 You’ve Owned at Least One Shirt With a Flamingo, Gator, or State Outline
Whether it’s ironic or genuine, Florida fashion eventually catches up with you. You might even have a tank top that says Sunshine, Sweat, and Hurricanes—and you wear it proudly while mowing the lawn in December.
🌀 You Don’t Evacuate. You Grill.
When a hurricane is coming, you:
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Buy beer.
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Charge your phone.
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Grill everything in your freezer like it’s a neighborhood tailgate party.
Evacuate? Nah. You’ll ride it out with hurricane snacks and sarcasm—like a true Florida warrior.
🏝 You’ve Said “This Used to Be a Swamp” While Standing in a Parking Lot
Because it did. Everything in Florida used to be a swamp. And thanks to the next king tide, it probably still is. If you’ve ever questioned the logic of building an apartment complex on land with a moat around it, welcome to the club.
🐊 Bonus Round: You Know Florida Is a Country, Not Just a State
If you’re still surprised by the news, still horrified by our headlines, or still wondering “Is this real life?”, then no—you’re not a local yet.
But if you’ve accepted the chaos, if you’ve embraced the weird, and if you’ve laughed through the absurdity, congrats…
You’re one of us now.
☀️ CTA: Are You a Florida Local Yet?
Share this checklist with your friends and see who’s been properly Florida-fied! And if you’ve got a weird Florida moment or another strange “local law” we missed, drop it in the comments. We’re always collecting new material. 😎