📰 EXCLUSIVE: 100 Florida Men vs. 1 Gorilla — The Sunshine State’s Most Deranged Smackdown Yet (fiction)
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☀️ The Idea Was Born in a Bar, Naturally
It started in a bar in Ocala—the kind of place where the jukebox only plays Skynyrd and the bartender accepts loose change and scratch-off tickets. A man named Troy "Gatorbait" Fenwick was four beers into a Thursday when he leaned over to his cousin and said, “I reckon a hundred of us could take a gorilla if we had some basic ground rules.”
No one stopped him. Because in Florida, that’s a science hypothesis.
Within hours, the idea was posted online, gaining traction among the exact demographic that thinks meth is a seasoning.
🦍 Who’s the Gorilla?
The primate in question is a 400-pound silverback named Mr. Nanners, formerly employed at a defunct roadside zoo in Sumter County. After escaping during Hurricane Irma and spending two weeks in The Villages (where he was mistaken for a new retiree), Mr. Nanners was captured and placed under the supervision of a questionable “wildlife rehab center” run out of a modified RV.
He's currently the most emotionally stable participant in this event.
🧂 The Rules (If You Can Call Them That)
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No firearms, no tranquilizers, no trained animals (sorry, Dale’s attack raccoon had to sit this one out).
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Each Florida Man may bring one item. Popular choices include: a Publix sub, a leaf blower, a wrestling chair, and someone’s meemaw’s ashes (unclear purpose).
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The gorilla does not follow rules. Because it's a gorilla.
🏟️ The Venue: An Abandoned Waterpark Near Kissimmee
“Gorilla Bowl 2025” is allegedly being hosted in what used to be Splashtastic USA, a failed waterpark now overrun with mold, mystery mushrooms, and teens on vapes. The main event will take place in the drained lazy river, surrounded by lawn chairs, half-buried crocs (both kinds), and a man selling knockoff Monster Energy cocktails out of a bait cooler.
🍗 Meet the Fighters
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Cletus “Waffle House” Beauregard – Armed with a deep fryer and a dream.
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Jebediah Gatorclamp III – Has fought (and lost to) a possum. Twice.
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Missy "Duct Tape" Ramirez – Yes, she identifies as a Florida Man. No, you will not tell her otherwise.
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Uncle Ricky – Just Uncle Ricky. No one knows how he got here or why he’s covered in glitter.
These aren't your average MMA fighters. These are barefoot, sunburned, under-medicated, over-confident hurricane survivors who all once yelled "I got this!" before falling off a roof.
💸 The Stakes
No one knows what the winner gets. Possibly nothing. Possibly a gift card to Wawa. Possibly a spiritual awakening.
Odds are, the real winners will be the YouTubers and TikTokers already setting up cameras. Animal rights groups have issued statements. So have local ER staff, who’ve started a betting pool and tripled their overtime.
💀 Florida Thought…
Is it stupid? Yes. Is it dangerous? Absolutely. Is it the most Florida thing since an alligator high on bath salts crashed a gender reveal party?
Also yes.
This isn’t about logic. This is about legacy. About pride. About the kind of misguided courage only found in swampland DNA and Monster Energy bloodstream levels.
If you’re not watching, you’re missing history.
💥 FLORIDA VS. GORILLA 💥
The match nobody asked for—but everybody needed.
100 Florida Men. 1 Gorilla. Zero common sense.
🔥 Rock the chaos with our official Gorilla Bowl 2025 tee.
It’s sunburn-proof (probably), chaos-approved (definitely), and perfect for dodging flying Publix subs.
🎽 Grab yours before the gorilla sues:
👉 https://unlawfulthreads.com/products/florida-vs-gorilla-ultimate-chaos-matchup-tee-florida