☕ “What Your Coffee Order Says About Your Arrest Record”

Hard data meets vibes. No one’s safe.

1. Flat White
   💸 Crime: Tax evasion
   Vibe: You definitely know what a Cayman account is. You file early but creatively.

2. Pumpkin Spice Latte
   🔥🎃 Crime: Arson—but make it cute
   Vibe: The fire was controlled, seasonal, and somehow featured fairy lights.

3. Black Coffee
   🕵️♂️❄️ Crime: Unsolved cold case
   Vibe: The cops still don’t know you did it. Your mugshot would be grainy and haunting.

4. Cold Brew
   🧊📉 Crime: Crypto fraud
   Vibe: Woke up one day and decided “I can beat the system.” You couldn’t.

5. Iced Caramel Macchiato
   🕶️🖥️ Crime: Identity theft
   Vibe: That’s not your name. It never was. But you looked good doing it.

6. Decaf Coffee
   😐🕰️ Crime: Loitering with malicious intent
   Vibe: The calm is a front. You’ve got a court summons in your pocket and a plan.

7. Matcha Latte
   📸🌿 Crime: Influencer-related crimes
   Vibe: Arrested for disturbing the peace with your ring light and unsolicited wellness tips.

8. Espresso Shot (Straight)
   👊☕ Crime: Assault—but justified
   Vibe: The barista knows to keep eye contact minimal. So do most exes.

9. Mocha
   🎨🖼️ Crime: Art forgery
   Vibe: Your apartment smells like oil paint and regret. The FBI is confused and a little impressed.

10. Frappuccino with Extra Whip
    🎉🍹 Crime: Public intoxication at Disney
    Vibe: It was your birthday. You still think it was worth it.

11. Café au Lait
    🧀🛒 Crime: Minor theft at Whole Foods
    Vibe: You didn’t mean to steal the cheese. You just forgot to weigh it. Justice was… swift.