We Turned Our Office Keurig Into a Thriving Ecosystem of Moss and Despair
🟤 IN THE BEGINNING, IT WAS SIMPLY “CURSED”
You ever look at a coffee machine and just know it’s holding a grudge?
The light blinked even when unplugged. It growled when you inserted a pod. One day it dispensed nothing but steam and a single, ancient raisin.
We kept using it anyway. Because corporate denial is stronger than mold.
🌱 THE FIRST SWAMP HOLE OPENED
Week 3: someone noticed moss in the drip tray.
Week 4: it had names. Factions. Fernlords of the Foam Basin.
The Keurig began to resemble Yoda’s swamp hut if Yoda had given up on the Force and opened a Florida vape shop.
Pods disappeared. Frogs appeared. It smelled like mystery and wet corduroy.
🧫 THE MACHINE BECAME SENTIENT (MAYBE)
By week 6, we stopped calling it “the Keurig.” It was The Host.
We heard gurgling at night. We made first contact with what we called a “shompy”—a sentient coffee fungus that wiggled when shamed.
A breakroom intern began worshipping it.
He stopped responding to his name. Only answered to “Drip Lord.”
🦍 WE SAW SKUNK APE. OR SOMETHING.
Unconfirmed, but security footage shows a large, hairy shape approaching the machine and leaving a pod of its own.
There was no coffee inside.
Just a single acorn and a tiny written note that said “respect.”
We can’t prove anything. But the smell?
Skunk ape vibes. Confirmed.
🌐 WE BUILT THE SIM CITY OF COFFEE MACHINES
This wasn’t just rot. It was civilization.
Tiny cave systems formed inside the water tank.
A colony of moss-based organisms used the pod carousel as a defense tower.
The descaling button lit up one last time before being absorbed into the marsh.
Someone suggested putting it on Etsy as an NFT eco-diorama.
📉 AND THEN IT SPOKE.
Using the beep pattern normally reserved for “add water,” the machine simply said:
“You had your chance.”
The next morning, it was gone.
Just a patch of damp carpet. A ring of moss. And one cold brew bottle—empty.
⚠️ FINAL THOUGHT: DON’T DO THIS. EVER.
This is a work of fiction. A warning.
A satirical fable about workplace laziness, unchecked technology, and the inevitable rise of moss-based governance.
Do not allow your coffee machine to go feral.
Do not make contact with shompies.
And for the love of Yoda, descale.
🛒 Survivor Merch:
If you’ve ever felt seen by a swampy office breakdown: