A Brief (and Possibly Cursed) History of Coffee Spells

Coffee spells are the unspoken witchcraft of the weary.

While historians remain suspiciously silent on the matter, evidence suggests that coffee has long served as both beverage and spell ingredient—ever since an over-caffeinated goat herder in ancient Ethiopia danced under the stars and accidentally summoned vibes.

Voltaire allegedly drank 40 cups of coffee a day—not for the taste, but to keep his enemies from astral projecting into his study. And in Salem, coffee was suspiciously absent during the witch trials. Coincidence? Or did the accused know the real power of a well-brewed hexpresso?

Some say the Boston Tea Party was actually a covert coffee summoning ritual. Others whisper that coffee spells helped prevent Y2K, fueled Beyoncé’s Renaissance era, and maybe even helped invent the iPhone (Steve Jobs never denied it).

Clearly, coffee has always held power—it’s just been hiding in your kitchen cabinet, quietly shaping history one sip (or incantation) at a time.

🔮 Proceed with caution—and creamer.

1. Hex Your Ex Latte

Ingredients: Oat milk, resentment, and cinnamon
Ritual:
Pour oat milk counterclockwise into your cup while whispering your ex’s full name and “may your new partner be mediocre.”
Warning: May summon passive-aggressive texts.
Success Story: “He texted ‘hey stranger’ within 48 hours. I blocked him again. Powerful stuff.”

2. Cappuccino of Clarity

Ingredients: Extra foam, 2 espresso shots, a quartz crystal you bought on Etsy
Ritual:
Trace a third eye on the foam with your finger. Sip while staring into a mirror and chanting, “I deserve answers.”
Warning: You will text your therapist.
Success Story: “I realized I don’t hate Mondays—I hate my boss. Now I freelance.”

3. Anti-Ghost Cold Brew

Ingredients: Cold brew concentrate, rosemary sprig, black salt
Ritual:
Leave it on the windowsill at 3:33 a.m. with a sticky note that says “Do Not Haunt.”
Warning: Room will be 7 degrees colder. That’s part of the spell. Probably.
Success Story: “The weird whispering in my air vent stopped. My cat won’t go near the cup, though.”

4. Manifestation Macchiato

Ingredients: Caramel drizzle, blind optimism, the last $4.78 in your bank account
Ritual:
Drink only during Mercury retrograde. Write “PAID IN FULL” on a receipt and stir it into your cup.
Warning: May only manifest parking tickets at first.
Success Story: “I got a refund I forgot I requested. Coincidence? Grow up.”

5. Protection Potion Flat White

Ingredients: Whole milk, espresso, a necklace from your grandma’s jewelry box
Ritual:
Place your mug on top of your Wi-Fi router. Say “no bad vibes” 12 times. Sip while flipping someone off in your head.
Warning: Energy vampires may find you “weirdly off-putting.”
Success Story: “My roommate moved out. She took the plants, but also the negative energy.”

Whether you're manifesting abundance or just hoping your barista makes eye contact today, remember: the magic was inside your mug all along. Or maybe that’s just caffeine-induced delusion. Either way, stir responsibly.

☕✨ Tag a friend who needs a coffee spell and shop our coping mug collection at UnlawfulThreads.com before Mercury retrograde gets ideas.